BEN HOLLISTER’S BLOG/MAIL MAY CONTAIN SENSITIVE / VULGAR OR ADULT LANGUAGE – READ WITH CAUTION

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READ BEN HOLLISTERS BIO ~ HERE

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Ben Hollister writes that he hates his life ~ LGBC CONTENT

“Many people in the world say that ‘life is cruel’ .. Well, it is very true, but it is especially cruel for a man like me. People have told me all my life that I am ‘fortunate’ and that I ‘have it made’.. Well, they are not living inside of me. I still wish I had never been born. The day I looked into the mirror and had to tell myself that I was a homosexual. It made me cry. I felt like dying inside of me. My parents accused me of ‘choosing my lifestyle’ when they found out I was a gay man. They even told me to leave, and ‘not return’. They have never spoken to me since that day in 2013. I was 19 years old. So I pretended to be a straight man all my life. Everyone thought I was because I was so masculine. In college, high school, everyone thought I was heterosexual. So I played along. I had dates with many girls, but I could not have sex with him. It repulsed me. So when I dated girls I told them I was joining the priesthood just to avoid sex with them. I hated lying to them. But one of them found out I was gay. She outed me with a little help from a work colleague that did not know her intentions. That was one of the worst days of my life – and now everyone at work knows I am gay. I lost all my straight friends. They felt betrayed by me. I truly hate being gay. I hate it. I’ve asked God so many times why I was born like this, because I certainly did not ‘choose to be gay’… who in the world wants to be gay??? That’s a terrible way live with people pointing fingers at you, and thinking the unspeakable about you. I went to see 10 different psychologists. I certainly had the money. None of them helped me. None. I thought of living a double life – one with getting married to a girl, while sneaking out at night with guys. But it was wrong and unfair to the girl to do that. Besides, I can’t have sex with women. It makes me feel like vomiting. I have had sex with guys – secretly since I was 15. The problem was – I liked it. I loved it. I could not believe how good and comfortable it felt inside of me. Then, afterwards, I felt miserable. I have even thought of suicide a few times because I felt so low and ashamed like my parents made me feel. How in the world can I love something of about me that I hate outside of me? People say I am very good looking. Handsome. I have money. Money is not a problem for me. But I would trade all my money – all my good looks and I would throw everything away – if I could be a heterosexual. The only ‘good’ thing about my life that is going well is my new group of gay friends. They are so nice to me and have offered me any support I need and my two big bosses here are some of the kindest men I have ever met. Since then I only ’hook up’ with one of them – Mitch Jordan. My second is coming in March with CyberGuard 15. And Both of my bosses – Peter and Perry are gay. We have 6 directors here – and all of them are gay. I never will forget what one of them said to me 5 years ago – Director David Edison. He said “there’s nothing gay about being gay”. He’s so right. My gay life is a misery. It makes me wonder why gays like Mitch Jordan or Peter and Perry are happy, yet I am not. If you are gay here – where I work – they say you are a ‘mirrored male’ or a ‘mirrored female’ – meaning you are attracted to the forms and images seen in a mirror – your own kind. I have urges to have sex with another man by his looks, his scent, his voice, and his genitals. I can’t do that with a woman. I wish I could. My current psychologist says to me: ‘Its not your fault. God made you this way. Read the bible about marriage, and you will find out it was not made for everyone’. He said to me that I am ‘special’. He tries to comfort me. I understand. That is his job. So I will – one day – I will open my heart and ask God why I was born into a world – where my body, soul and spirit does not understand my sexuality. I practically cry every night just thinking about how much I love – and hate my sexual persona. Some of the things I have heard and read about gays are disgusting. The HW spiritualist once said to me: “.. you will find ‘disgusting’ on both sides of the aisle’ – meaning to me you find evil people everywhere – not just on one side pretending to ‘righteous‘. But like I have told my supporters many times – I don’t give a stinking bad apple about the money or my good looks. I just wish I could have been born like my imperfect and sometimes hard to understand father – even though he can’t see me with his eyes – for what I am. But at least he’s straight, unlike me. – Ben Hollister

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